Finding Self-Care Time When Space Feels Elusive
Stillness in Storms- Mar 18
- 5 min read
I Don't Think About Self-Care
Or at least, I didn’t. Not in the way I should. Self-care has always felt like something outside of me—something I was supposed to be doing, something I should have figured out by now, something that other people seemed to practice effortlessly. But for me, self-care has been a tangled mess of avoidance, guilt, frustration, and longing.
I’ve been struggling with this for years.
When I was a preteen, I remember standing in front of a mirror, staring at my reflection longer than I ever had before. I didn’t recognize myself at first. But the longer I looked, something strange happened—I thought I was actually pretty. And I cried. Because self-care, self-love, self-anything had never been something I understood.
Growing up, self-care was tied to appearance, to the way I was seen by others. My hair, my skin, my body—always up for scrutiny, always something that needed fixing. My mother called me vain, my grandmother picked at my thick, curly hair. "Go put some V05 in it," she’d say, as if I could smooth out what was untamable. My grandpa called me a pickaninny, and my summer-darkened skin was a family discussion. I learned early that my body was something to be judged, not something to be cared for.
And so I ignored it. I treated it like a machine, pushing it, punishing it, numbing it. I poisoned it with alcohol, bad food, and self-neglect. And now, I feel the consequences. My balance is off. My back aches. My body is changing, slowing, aching in ways I never imagined. I realize now that I need to take care of myself—not for vanity, not for approval, but because I deserve it.
But knowing that and doing it are two very different things.
The Weight of Self-Care
I feel conflicted about self-care.
I’ve spent my whole life caring for others first. I don’t know how to put myself at the top of that list. It feels selfish, indulgent, unnecessary. It feels like something I have to justify, like I have to earn it.
I was never taught to care for myself as a child. Hygiene was inconsistent. Baths weren’t scheduled, brushing my teeth wasn’t routine. As a teenager, my focus shifted—I just wanted to be accepted, wanted, pretty. I exercised excessively, played sports, limited my food intake. I tried to mold my body into something worthy.
As an adult, self-care became even more complicated. I spiraled between extremes—boxing and jogging, then long periods of neglect. Restrictive dieting, then bingeing. I was either fully in or completely out. And every time I slipped, I quit. I shut down.
The emotions I feel around self-care are tangled. Guilt, irritation, embarrassment, longing, impatience, fear, resentment. It feels inconvenient. It feels selfish. It feels like something I’ll fail at, so why even start?
And yet, deep down, I know this struggle isn’t really about self-care. It’s about something bigger.
Self-Care is Not Just About Time—It's About Worth
I think I’ve been searching for something deeper than just space or time. I want peace. I want acceptance. I want belonging.
But I also know I’ve spent years avoiding myself. Escaping, numbing, staying busy. I don't just struggle with making time for self-care—I struggle with believing I’m worth the time.
I’ve told myself so many stories:
That self-care is a luxury I don’t have time for.
That my needs come second (or third, or last).
That I am too old, too lazy, too broken to start now.
That I won’t follow through, so why bother?
And I believed them.
But I don’t want to believe them anymore.
What Self-Care Has Looked Like (Even in Small Moments)
Even though this struggle feels overwhelming, there have been small wins. Fleeting, maybe, but real.
Any day I’m active is a win.
A candlelit bath feels like a moment of peace.
If I can stick to a plan for a full week, it feels huge.
There are things that do help, even if I haven’t mastered consistency:
Art, reading, writing—these fulfill something deep inside me.
Qigong and gentle movement help me feel present in my body.
Grounding, something I resisted for so long, has started to make sense.
And there are things I want to embrace more fully:
Guided meditation, even though I struggle to sit still.
Restorative yoga, because I need gentleness.
Massage, acupuncture, plant remedies—things I’ve always been drawn to but never allowed myself to prioritize.
I’ve also had to let go of things that don’t work:
Affirmations feel like another thing to check off a list, rather than something meaningful.
The idea that I need to buy products before I can practice self-care (I don’t).
Diet culture and restriction—I refuse to punish myself anymore.
I’m learning that self-care is about more than just actions—it’s about mindset, about unlearning, about letting go.
The Work Still Left to Do
I won’t pretend I have this figured out. I don’t. I still ask myself where to start and why I can’t follow through. I still wonder what’s wrong with me and why I don’t know how to do this already.
But I also know this:
I want to love myself.
I want to be here for my family—for many, many more years.
I want to break the cycle of neglect I learned as a child.
I want to stop escaping myself.
I still struggle to see self-care as a sacred act, as something that connects me to my ancestors, my culture, my spirit. But I know that it does. I feel it in the way I move when I dance. I feel it when I carve out time for art. I feel it when I pause long enough to breathe, to listen, to just be.
My ancestors and my creator love me. I have to love myself, too.
A Shared Journey
I don’t have an easy answer for how to find self-care time when space feels elusive. I only know that I’m trying. That I’m searching. That I’m showing up in small, imperfect ways.
And maybe that’s enough.
If you’re struggling with this too, I want you to know that you’re not alone. Self-care isn’t about having it all figured out—it’s about learning how to hold space for yourself, little by little, moment by moment.
Maybe you start with one small thing—a bath, a short walk, five minutes of stillness. Maybe you remind yourself that you are worth the time and space you take up.
Maybe we learn to love ourselves together.
Reflection Questions:
What internal narratives make self-care difficult for you?
What is one small act of care you can offer yourself today, without guilt?
How can you reframe self-care as an act of love rather than obligation?
This isn’t a conclusion. This is an ongoing journey.
And we don’t have to walk it alone.
Suggested Resources
Books:
Sacred Rest by Saundra Dalton-Smith (Digital | Physical)
Explores the seven types of rest we need to reclaim our health and vitality, offering practical tools to integrate rest into daily life.
Radical Self-Love by Gala Darling (Digital | Physical)
A guide to overcoming the self-judgment and shame that prevent us from loving ourselves, emphasizing practical ways to practice self-love.
The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk (Digital | Physical)
Explores how trauma affects the body and how healing through self-care practices can help restore emotional and physical well-being.
Podcasts:
Discusses healing trauma through self-care and mental health practices, ideal for anyone exploring self-care as a form of healing.
Offers insights on mindfulness and self-care, helping listeners find balance, compassion, and self-acceptance in their lives.
Free Resources:
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